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I really need to write on this thing

I'm spending more time at the gym. Not buff yet (I like food too much for muscles to show up), but I can deadlift 115, bench 65, and squat 95 on a good day (bad knees = not many good days).  So that's nice. Aiming for three-digit numbers in all of the above, and the ability to do ONE un-assisted pullup before I die. So.

Remember date-not-date guy? We're still hanging out, he's still sweet as pie, and he likes my cooking. He's getting more attractive by the day. It helps that the panic attacks have faded away to a dull discomfort.  So that's nice. I might even find the stones to try dating him again, since he's proven time and time again that he's a Really Solid Guy.  (Not to mention an incredibly supportive gym buddy twice a week - I won't be gaining 30+ pounds due to drinking and eating to excess as a means of Doing Something Together.)

Everything else... work is still a way to pay most of my bills but the wages are rather shite (for the industry - I realize I make halfway decent money, but it's STILL not enough to live on my own despite being professionally licensed and earning some measure of seniority; compared to what others in the same positions make at other brokerages, we're a good 10K less a year, or more. It's irritating, especially when the company makes other large financial decisions that are clearly Not Smart, and then whines about the bottom line being so tight.)

I'm still hovering at the upper half of the 155s on the scale (and have for the better part of a year, now), but I'm slowly changing composition, so it's a leaner look than before. Frustrating, to see a number that doesn't signify progress, but the tape measure says otherwise. And I need to realize that at my goal body composition, I will probably weigh MORE.  I quit Weight Watchers - their system punishes me for the amount of protein I need in a day to build muscle mass, and rewards bad/overprocessed food choices (yes, it's fat free and sugar free, but I can't pronounce half of the ingredients and I'm hungry half an hour later.... so I go over my Points budget constantly trying to stay satisfied. Better to have full fat, high protein, and reduce the processed carbs as much as I can in the middle of Girl Scout Cookie season. Also, BACON.)  Using My Fitness Pal instead - more customizable goals. So yay for that.

Most of my social networking has slipped from Facebook to Fitocracy.  I tend to get unrealistic expectations of how I'll look in the mirror, surrounded by So Many Beautiful People, but it's also a site that's incredibly supportive of everyone, no matter what stage of their fitness they're in. (Added bonus: the number of fit men who post shirtless pics. Eye candy, all day, every day.)  And I really have turned into a gym rat. I ADORE lifting weights. Still hate cardio, but... Love weightlifting. Love the next-day ache that tells me I did well. Also like kickboxing, since I can get all my violent urges out on the bag and still improve coordination and conditioning. Win? :)

I still stalk everyone on my feed here, though. I just haven't commented as much. . .

Anyway. That's the state of my life right now. 

Tsukimi hell

So. Saturday went about as awful as I expected it to, and then some. (93 degrees and we had to stand outside in kimono. It's like a really fancy sauna suit, at that point.)   I shouldn't be as torn up as I am over it, but I guess I was holding onto hope, somewhere deep down, that this time would prove me wrong, that it wouldn't suck.  Nope.  I paid $45 to be on my feet from 1:30-midnight, get barely 30 minutes for a sub-par boxed meal (that had been sitting for hours), and not once did I get to actually sit and have Tea -- the whole goddamn point of a Tea gathering.  Instead, all the other ladies who were working decided that our station should be the last one of the night. Fine, but do you think one of them might have maybe asked if those of us working would like to sit and be waited on afterward? It's not hard to offer 5 minutes of simple courtesy. It really isn't. (Especially when the other group of ladies sharing the tent space left US a pile of dirty bowls to clean and took half of ours, rather than wash their own. I mean really, WTF?)  It took 4 Advil to even take the edge off my back pain to get to sleep, and I woke up with a splitting headache along with the back ache. Plans to get to kickboxing/the gym were nixed after that. 

(And after digging out the kimono items I was supposed to loan, I get to Sensei's house and I'm told they "figured out how to make it work" and didn't need what I'd brought. So really, that just tells me that the next time I'm asked to do something, she may or may not mean it.) 

I have decided that I am never participating in a chapter event again, unless it is as a guest.  I'm angry to the point of tears over this; part of me feels betrayed by Sensei because she wouldn't look out for her own students (that last seating? She was supposed to go ask that we actually get to stop and have tea, and didn't), part of me feels like the whole local chapter doesn't even grasp the fact that Tea has four basic principles (purity, harmony, respect, tranquility) and just MAYBE those could be applied to events, too. About the only people I'm not pissed at from Saturday are Sensei's husband (he knows his way around the mizuya and worked his butt off) and the head of the chapter (who was super sweet and made sure to get those of us suffering outside a cooler full of cold water bottles, etc).   So. From now on, it's lessons only and events-as-guest. Period.   I'm done wasting my time, money, and energy on this mess.  

Dammit.

I am getting SO sick of being the "responsible one" for Tea, lately. 

I have offered REPEATEDLY to help fellow students get what they need, learn how to wear it, etc., only to get an "I'm good, thanks" or no response at all.  I have given them information, shopping lists, etc. You name it, the resource has been made available to them. 

And now, my kimono drawer has suddenly been volunteered to be the lending library for everyone else because they never got their act in gear. 

How the fuck are these people responsible adults in the other parts of their lives? 

Hey, folks?

If you have something set to find your location, it's giving your exact address

If you're posting from someplace other than a public venue such as Starbucks, this is probably not a good thing.

Just figured I'd share. I didn't notice this the last time I scrolled through my friends' feed. 

HAPPY BIRFDAY, DAVILBRO!

Just, yanno, squeaking that in under the wire.


(And if it's not your birthday - my calendar is often known to be wrong, just ask Tiffany, Happy UNBirfday, then!)

SIGNAL BOOST

Need a temporary home in the NY area for a kitty -- if you know someone, pass the word along. 

http://naamah-darling.livejournal.com/581539.html  <-- info and pics here, with relevant links.

The "Asian" diet

So, I was trolling reading through the blogs on WeightWatcher's site, and one gal posted what she called the "Asian" diet -- basically, all her skinny friends (she and they are of Asian heritage) would take the time to take pictures and post them to their FB or blog or whatever before they ate. And then the WORLD knew what they were eating. Her idea was to start a food log that lists every single thing she's eaten, the Points value, etc. so that she has to be accountable to everyone. 

Given that she can do it with an app on her iPhone (and I have a shiny new iPod touch), I'm really liking this idea. A lot, actually.  [I would find an app to update LJ, but I think we all know how much I type at once. A teensy touchpad versus my big sausage fingers would make me homicidal before the second paragraph. Twitter updates are hard enough, thankyouverymuch.]

So I'm going to try and do it, too -- the last 5-10 pounds just will NOT come off consistently.  I keep yo-yo-ing from 5 pounds above goal to 1 pound above goal, no matter how much I go to the gym, and I just suck at starving myself with reduced calories. I need volume. (Case in point, I had the better part of a pound of oven-roasted Brussels sprouts last night as the appetizer to splitting a thin-crust pizza with mom. Pizza wasn't terrible - one of those swank organic things from the freezer aisle, but it's still pizza with cheese and pepperoni, etc.) 

So -- feel free to hit this site up and help encourage me!  (And it's still kinda empty - I haven't quite figured out the setup/layout, but the tools on Weebly.com are easy enough to use.)  It also needs a better name than what I've put in the title bar, but whatever.

http://zuihitsu.weebly.com/

Signal Boost

Signal boosting this - a friend of Naamah's is going through a hard time, and could use all the help she can get right now. If you have a few bucks to spare, please consider sending it her way.  

http://naamah-darling.livejournal.com/575525.html

Time to break out the LJ again...

Paranoia.

Hate it.

The 'annual review' emails have started flying - and this time, it's a whole unit at a time. Which means that when I was getting my coworkers' feedback requests from management, they were getting mine. (These reviews are 'annual' and happen about every 18-24 months. Basically, Management sends out via BCC a list of requested areas of feedback for a person and assumes that the responses they will receive are actually thoughtful and come from a neutral or carefully-considered position. It's a total farce, but expecting managers to take the time to get to know the people they manage is even more laughable. Lose-lose setup, for the rest of us on the ass-end of the totem pole.)

And while my team lead (we now get along, so there's that) has plenty of nice things to say to my face, I don't know how she's going to fill in the form. And I don't know how my other teammate is going to fill it in - he likes to throw his (nonexistant) weight around and considers me "moody" because he has no grasp on personal space and thus pisses me off every time he hovers over me in my own goddamned cube. He likes to talk a big game, but it's all hot air, and we're all sick of it. So I don't know if he's going to 'talk a big game' and include some sort of perceived "constructive" criticism that will torpedo the whole goddamned thing, yanno? It makes me want to retaliate pre-emptively on his form, but then, that's not going to do anyone any favors, either.




And I am trying so fucking hard to get out of that entire unit that even the tiniest speedbumpis going to hurt. A lot.

So. Paranoid.


Monday, I think I'm going to go through all of my emails and PDF up the positive feedback and my long-neglected kudos file. Because it never hurts to bolster your own case, right? (I really miss working in a group that actively, positively reinforced people. Where I am now, the word 'thank you' is something fired off as a perfunctory necessity, not any sort of actual heart-felt reaction. I miss being honestly appreciated when I go out of my way for someone/something.)


Christ, I need a prescription for Xanax. I'm seriously considering trying (again) to utilize the 'Employee Assistance' program through our bennies to find a shrink with a scrip pad. Seriously. Deep breathing and meditation and incense and green tea is doing FUCKALL right now to stave off panic attacks.

[How the fuck can I feel like my life is falling apart when anyone else would consider it going well? I have someone expressing a passing interest in me, I'm gainfully (hah) employed, I have my physical health... And I'm a complete and utter basket case these days.]

I think I just may use some PTO in the near future and take a personal sabbatical for a few days. I've got 60-ish hours to work with - I could take three days and just do utterly NOTHING. I'd have to schedule it with mom, too, or she'll get after me to do something 'because I'm home', etc. and I don't want the interruptions or personal space invasions. I don't know what else to do.

Tags:

Oh, right. LJ.

I haz one!

I've been updating my fic journal lately because I started a creative writing class this semester. The teacher has been superbly vague about format, etc, so I think I'll use it and/or Google Docs to do some of the freewrite assignments. At least that way, they won't get lost on a thumb drive somewhere. If you ever get bored and want to constructively critique stuff, I'll probably post here to ask for beta readers on something. So. ^_^

Finally got around to watching a few eps of Painkiller Jane. And at this point, I've decided I'm really only watching it for Noah Danby's presence on-screen. And maybe Alaina Huffman. Pretty, pretty people.

Other than that... I've been in a crappy headspace lately and have found that trying to be a hopeless shut-in has done more for me than trying to get out and be social. (I've also repeatedly forgotten what week it is, which has not helped me much when it comes down to planning anything effectively.) Hopefully, some things on my list for the next two weeks will be good things. Hopefully.

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